Here are the promised pictures. They are from “day 2” at the hospital, and by that time Jack was happy and spunky and ready to get out of his little PICU room. Pictures from “day 1” would certainly have not been so cute and perky. The CAT scan picture was from his second scan at 4:00 on Tuesday morning, and he was a little loopy while under the influence of some drug I wish I could have snagged.
Even though these pictures are fairly happy ones, I have a hard time looking at them. The main word I think of when I think about Monday is “horror.” Tonight as I was rocking him, kissing the top of his blond little head, and thanking God over and over for the gift of him, I just kept trying to shake the image out of my mind that moment when I thought I had lost him forever. I also thought back to that moment when I was carrying him down the hall to his first CAT scan and he was stroking my hair and I thought to myself, “Even if he has brain damage, at least he is still loving and affectionate. If my baby can still lovingly stroke my hair like this, I can be OK.” Then, later, when he smiled at me, I thought again, “Even if he’s not the same little boy he was this morning, at least he can smile at me. I love that smile. If I can see that smile, I’ll be OK.” Now I just look at my perfect little boy in absolute wonder. I love him. I know you all know that already, and I certainly knew it as well, but you’ve got to understand, I thought I had lost him, and I didn’t. He’s alive. He’s babbling and laughing and trying at every possible opportunity to engage in the very dangerous activities he has been strictly ordered not to participate in. I have suddenly become a Helicopter Mama, but that’s OK. I’m just so happy to be his mama.
Enjoy the pictures, and feel free to stop by anytime and kiss the top of his cute head.